I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
