I think my vagina is haunted
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
