there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
The best revenge is premature balding
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
