If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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