I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
