My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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