I just saw a hot homeless man
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
