Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
