my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
