My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
