Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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