The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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