I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just want nice things and good sex
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
