I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
