don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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