he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
