I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
