Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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