weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
