Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
