Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
