By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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