I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
