Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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