I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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