I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
