so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
