My sheets look like a crime scene.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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