my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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