Where is the hickey?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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