Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
