You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
