I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
