i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
