So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
