apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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