Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
