I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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