hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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