real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
