Little spoons don't ask big questions
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
