Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
