Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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