I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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