She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
