Will you blow on my dice?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
