Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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