Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
