Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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