I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
